'My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?', pt. 1 by Lan-Vy N. [Holy Week Vigil 2022]
Jesus gave us a litany of last words, known as the Seven Last Words of Christ. The deathbed words of the Suffering Servant provide a framework for Holy Week. Each day between now and Resurrection Sunday, seven friends will share their own stories to help us retrieve lament and to keep vigil with Jesus. Their stories have helped form my understanding of cruciform suffering and I believe they could also encourage you too.
Each short story will be paired with an image, a Scripture passage, and a prayer. This year I’ve curated a series of contemporary icons from Ukrainian iconographers. As we hold space for each other’s stories, we take shelter under the outstretched arms of Christ for every story of suffering around the world. In order to lean toward the suffering in Ukraine, one of our storytellers is giving us the opportunity to send help to two organizations on the ground in Ukraine and neighboring friendly countries, and to receive a special thank you gift from Michelle Van Loon in return.
Would you read Lan-Vy’s story with an open heart for any words Christ might be speaking to you?
Attack, Danylo Movchan (b. 1979, Lviv, Ukraine) - Source
“From noon on, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And about three o’clock Jesus cried with a loud voice, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’”
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? pt. 1
by Lan-Vy N.
I’m not the person who will ever tell you “God told me this is going to happen” or “God told me to do this”, but I do think God speaks to me through signs. An answered prayer, a moment of beauty, or a personally meaningful theme God highlights in my life to remind me, I’m here.
Last fall I suffered a 4-month period where I felt depressed. And I was scared. I would wake up and feel so empty like my mind was hollow, my body disconnected from reality. No excitement or hope for the future. The emptiness was so bad, that I wished I would disappear.
I kept trying to understand it so I could fix it. Was it because I finally decided to leave my tech job of 7 years to explore other careers and I was in shock from the major change? Was it because I was already really lonely, and now moving back home and losing coworkers to talk to every day was the final straw that propelled me into madness?
God felt irrelevant to my reality. Where did He fit in those hard days? I’m not sure.
When my season of depression began, I desperately prayed God would give me a sign of his presence and goodness. But the depression stretched on another month, then four. I was frustrated because I felt God led me into this wilderness season of exploration, but it seemed purposeless when I was struggling to feel connected to Him and simply get through each day.
Then one week, I finally felt God’s presence on multiple occasions. One of them was a night when I visited a married couple. I was driving to their house and feeling anxious about our relationship. I wasn’t sure if they were just inviting me over because they knew I was lonely or if they were my friends and genuinely enjoyed my company. So I prayed that God would help me feel peace about my place in their life and just enjoy our time together without overanalyzing it.
Later that night, without me prompting or divulging how badly I was doing, the wife clearly said with tears in her eyes, “I want you to know you are our friend, and it would make me really sad if you felt lonely and you weren’t here.” As she was speaking, I was instantly aware that God was with me. I’m here. I was flooded with awe and gratitude over how directly and promptly He answered me. It was the assurance of His presence I so desperately needed. I felt so much better that week than I’d felt in months.
This Lent I’m desperate again for another sign. For the past few years, I’ve really struggled with loneliness. It started about five years ago when a slew of close friends moved away around the same time, and then took on new forms through the pandemic and natural shifts in roommates and friendships, and church community. While I’m so thankful to have close friends who deeply know and love me, it’s the unshared mundane moments of my life that feel so lonely. And now I just learned someone I love but never let myself be with because of our faith differences is likely going to marry someone else. I feel so sad, I start crying at random points during the day. At times the emotional pain feels insurmountable.
I’ve usually been comfortable with questions. Faith after all is believing when you can’t explain everything. But lately, when doubt comes, it seems to have the strength of crashing ocean waves. God, if You’re really involved in my life, then why do I keep feeling so sad? Why do I and so many others suffer? My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
I don’t know the answers to those questions. I wish I didn’t need signs to believe in God’s goodness or to go through the pain that makes me question it. Nothing in my life is settled at the moment. My career path, my understanding of God, my church, where to live, and who to spend time with. But as I was writing this reflection I realized that one thing I do know is that every time I’ve desperately asked God for a sign, He has always answered.
That knowledge doesn’t cancel out my pain, but it does give me a sliver of hope. I think I ask for signs because in my moments of despair I don’t really believe God will show up. But He does. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.
Lan-Vy Ngo lives in her hometown, Falls Church, VA. She loves to spend time reading, writing, singing, and connecting deeply with others, and she's currently learning how to be present and live her life even in the midst of hard questions and the in-betweenness of her identity.
The Fourth Word: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Eli, Eli, lamma sabacthani.)
Read
Is it nothing to you, all you who pass by? Behold and see if there is any sorrow like my sorrow which was brought upon me, which the Lord inflicted on the day of his fierce anger. [Lamentations 1:12]
I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light; surely against me he turns his hand again and again the whole day long. He has made my flesh and my skin waste away, and broken my bones; he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation; he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead of long ago…. He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; my soul is bereft of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “Gone is my glory, and my expectation from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall! [Lamentations 3:1-6, 16-21]
Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” [Matthew 27:45-46]
Pray
We echo the prayers of Jesus and Lan-Vy: My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
We give you thanks, Jesus, for bearing the complete abandonment of your God and father so that, even in our darkest days, we are not completely forsaken. Even when darkness feels like our closest friend, when we are sinking down, sinking down, your wondrous love, Jesus, holds open the sliver of light we need to see God.
Help us now as we join Lan-Vy’s prayer: God, if You’re really involved in my life, then why do I keep feeling so sad? Why do I and so many others suffer? My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world. If we have died with him, we shall also live with him; if we endure, we shall also reign with him. We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world. Amen.
Listen
Listen to Last Words - a playlist for our Holy Week Vigil
Give
For your donation of $25 or more, Michelle Van Loon will send you (or the person of your choice - U.S. addresses only) an autographed copy of her new book, Translating Your Past: Finding Meaning in Family Ancestry, Genetic Clues, and Generational Trauma.
Any funds Michelle raises through this initiative will be divided between these two organizations who are both doing important work right this moment on the ground in the region.
If you would like to donate $25 or more and receive a signed copy of Translating Your Past as a thank you, click here to email Michelle with the name and mailing address of the person to whom you’d like her to send the book. In turn, she’ll send you her PayPal and/or Venmo information so you can send her your donation.
Click through the images below for more details.
